It Started As An Accident
by RavenWriteWing
Summary: Warning! This is the darkest thing I have ever written it has death, blood, swearing, and more. Mistakes, that's all that he was doing, messing up, failing, so he found a way to pay for his mistakes. Please read and review!


**A/n: Okay so if you haven't read this story just a warning now it is very dark so you have been warned. **

**If you have read this story already I made some changes to it, mostly just grammar and a few words here and there. So far I only have five reviews but I asked people if they understood the ending and so far none of you seem to get it even though my lil sis understood it and she is younger than most of you.**

_***Please Read and review, tell me what you think and if you can guess what the ending means!***_

**I also forgot a disclaimer last time although I'm not sure if you really need one but just incase:**

**I do not own Teen Titans or any of DC's characters!**

**Finally this will remain a one shot.  
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**Now on with the newly revised story!**

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It started as an accident. Unlike most others there was no thinking it through, no months of wanting to make the first cut but drawing back at the last second, no, the first cut was an accident. The pain had always been inside me, I was sick, I was tired, the pain bottled up, out of all the Titans you wouldn't suspect me of such a foul act.

It was February, Valentine's Day was approaching, and I was on dish duty after lunch. No one was around, Cyborg was in the garage working on his 'baby', Starfire and Robin had gone out to a movie, Raven, well I'm not sure where Rae was. So I let my happy mask fall, no one was around so there was no point in pretending. As I dried the dishes my mind wandered to events in the past, from time with my parents, to the Doom Patrol, to the team, and back again. I was trying to draw happiness from those memories but they had all been worn thin, all that was left was the pain.

I don't know which memory did it but I finally lost it, my body stopped for a split second and went lax. The towel and object I was drying began to fall, I didn't even know what I had been drying but my body started up again and I went to catch it. If it was Raven's mug I'd be dead.

But it wasn't her mug, it wasn't even breakable, it was Cyborg's knife that he had used for his stake. I missed it and it sliced me across my forearm. "Shit!" I swear as I clutch my arm and the knife clatters to the ground. It was a cut, not very deep, but I was still bleeding. After a few seconds I removed my hand, blood, my blood, red blood, red. I stand there just staring at my throbbing arm as the cut clots and the bleeding stops.

It's human blood, it shows I'm still part human. I'm a mortal, I can die, I can bleed, I can feel pain, my blood reminds me that part of me is still normal, still human and not a beast, not a monster. Then I assess the pain, the pain, payment, the price for my mistakes, for being born, being the weak link, failing, messing up, being a monster, yes, I deserved the pain.

Very calmly I pick up the towel and the knife, rewash the knife, and finish drying it along with the rest of the dishes. I head to my room, from my bathroom I grab my razor and smash it against the sink, without a second thought, I toss away the plastic fragments and remove the three shining blades placing them in the medicine cabinet. Then I scrub my gloves clean of blood, same with my top then I change into a new uniform putting the other in the repair pile. At the dinner table I act like I always do, like nothing's changed, like I'm still that happy-go-lucky green guy. But I'm not, I've changed, I've slipped into the dark abyss that is insanity.

A few months pass, the blades were used at first only a few cuts and far apart, only used when the guilt was too much, only when I needed to know I was not a monster, that I was paying for my mistakes. It did not last. Soon I became addicted, I cut when I messed up in battle, when I got the slowest time in training, I cut when I annoyed her. I just wanted her to notice me, but I always messed up.

I loved it, the gleam of the blade, the feel of it running across my skin, slowly pressing, slicing, peeling back my hideous skin. I loved the fountain of blood that would appear, warm, red, sticky, the sweet metallic smell of blood, my blood, running down my arms dripping onto the rag I placed under me. Then the pain, yes, the pain, the sweet throbbing, I deserved this, I needed to pay for my mistakes, and if a higher power wasn't going to do it then I could. The scars my tool left, just to prove I was strong, I didn't feel enough pain so I made my own, I wasn't afraid to pay for all of my sins.

Cutting made it so much easier to keep up the happy façade, after the blade had marked my skin and my blood had been drained I could be light headed, it was easy to act on a whim, always coming up with a bad joke and a goofy grin. It wasn't enough, the others seemed t like the newly improved me, but I couldn't impress her. If anything she seemed to hate me more, she yelled at me more, avoided me more, but now I wouldn't yell back. I would take the blows most of the time verbal but some physical, then I would head to my room and make myself pay for how I had angered her, annoyed her.

A part of me, a small part would sometimes speak out, saying how wrong this was, how inhumane. It went against everything I was supposed to be. I saved people to keep them from harm, I didn't eat meat to save animals lives, and here I was harming myself. I would argue back with this voice, I was saving myself, and I was saving the team as well, neither them nor I could deal with the real me, the me without the blades, the me without the mask, it was too much. Then the voice argued what if someone caught me, what if I went too far and ended up dead. But I laughed at that, dying would be a shame unless of course I was guaranteed a spot in the deepest pits of Hell so I could pay for my mistakes. If one of the others caught me, so what, it would prove to them that I am strong, strong enough not only to except my mistakes but pay for them as well. Maybe that would finally make her notice me, prove to her how strong and dark I really was. So I kept cutting.

Then that night came. It was a clam, humid, night in July. The others were in their rooms, I had just finished cutting and went to get a glass of water. On my way back to my room I ran into her. "Raven." I stated with a nod of my head as I continued walking. She however, grabbed my wrist and I winced slightly. "What is happening to you?" She demands. "What do you mean, nothing is happening." Her voice lowers a sure sign that she is mad. "Don't lie to me! I'm an empath, I can feel your emotions."

"I know you're an empath, so what's the problem?"

"Your emotions, you used to have sorrow mixed with false happiness, now there's nothing and then when you are in your room there is rage, hatred, betrayal, disgust, sorrow, pain, and then nothing." Rage consumes me suddenly. "You know Rae, they're my emotions and I will deal with them the way I want and it's none of your business."

"Do not call me Rae." She whispers in a deadly manner. A dark chuckle escapes me although nothing about this situation is funny. "What, Rae, think you can stop me, huh, Rae, that can you control me, huh, huh?" I ask getting right up in her face. She pushes me back with some black energy. "What is wrong with you?" She yells at me. "With me! Reality check Rae, you're the one who's messed up!" I yell. The others are gathered around us now, but this always used to happen when I fought back and I will fight back tonight. "Have you ever thought maybe your powers are messed up? That you are messed up?" I have her backed into a wall now, my brain registers Robin telling me to back down, but I just stare at her.

She slaps me, hard, hard enough for me to stumble back. I blink in surprise, I hear Starfire gasp, and then the rage returns. "That's right Rae, slap me, hurt me, make me pay like you always do. I've had enough of you and your little attitude! How you always bring me down how you live to make my life miserable, all this time I've only been there for you, trying to make you happy, trying to gain your friendship, and this is how you treat me, you're a demon, your soul is dark, you have no heart."

I give a sly smile as I see her take the verbal blow and shrink below my gaze. Starfire has tears in her eyes, Cyborg speaks out, "B, cut it out man, I don't know what's brought this on but step back and chill!"

"No!" I growl, they will not stop me, not tonight! "I'm tired Rae, I'm sick and tired of your crap! I don't give a dam anymore, you wanted to know why I'm like this well I'll tell you why! It's your fault, you make me this way you make me hate myself and the world around me, you make me feel like a failure, the weak link in this team! You, you the cold, heartless, demonic, bitch, and all I wanted was to be your friend!" The light above us bursts.

Suddenly Robin is on my back trying to pull me away but surprisingly I'm stronger than him and barely budge. "How dare you say those horrible things to friend Raven!" Starfire yells at me. Cyborg just stands there shocked in the five years we have known each other, not once has he heard me swear, let alone at someone. Then there is her, she pulls her hood up and goes to walk away but I throw Robin off my back and spin her around to face me.

"I'm not done yet! I give up on you, I hope you pay for what you have done to me, the pain you have caused!" She pulls away and allows me to force Robin back to his crying girlfriend. "Are we done here?" she asks calmly, hood up so I can't see her reaction. "Fuck you! Fuck you and your attitude! Burn in Hell with your father for all I care, let me see the rage in your eyes!" I yell as I rip down her hood. All the anger washes out of me.

I stumble back shaking my head, ears dropping. "No. No Rae. I-I-I'm sor-"

"Save it, I don't want to hear it Beast Boy." And then she stalks off, an image of her teary eyes stuck in my head. I just stand there shock still as the others pull me into the med bay and strap me to a chair. As Starfire leaves in a fit of hysteria and Robin follows to comfort her. Still I don't move as Cyborg runs tests on me or when Robin returns and starts yelling at me, he goes as far as to slap me in the face right over the bruise that Raven gave me. Robin continues to yell questions at me, while Cyborg runs tests, but I don't hear them, I don't see them, all I can see are the tears running down her face. As the sun rises I finally snap out of it, the tears slide down my cheeks. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. S-so sorry." I cry. "Oh so now you finally decide to speak!" Robin snaps. "What is wrong with you! How dare you hurt her like that!" I shake my head. "I didn't mean it. I d-didn't mean it!" I sob. "Oh really! Maybe you should have thought about that before you went off like that! Do you know she has not spoken to anyone, her room is locked with magic! That's how much you hurt her!" I just accept my fate, I really need to cut right now, there are too many emotions.

"Rob, go check on Star, I'll deal with this." Cyborg tells our fuming leader. "Fine." He states as he spins on his heels and marches out. "B," Cy says as he places a large metal hand on my shoulder, "What happened?" I shake my head. "I don't know, I don't know." I whisper.

"Was it the Beast?" He asks me. I shake my head. "It was me, I'm, I'm the monster. I was just, I was just tired, so tired, so tired of trying to get her to like me."

"But what made you blow up like that, was it something she said?" He asks concerned. "No, no, it wasn't her it's never her, she can't mess up she's opposite of everything I said, she's perfect, and, and I hurt her, I-I-I hurt her Cy!" I try to wipe my tears but find I am trapped to the chair. "She hates me, she hates me, and I deserve it."

"Well I'm not gonna lie to you, she took it pretty hard. I want you to rest here for a while then apologize, all you can do is hope she will forgive you." He tells me as he unbinds me and hands me a tissue, then helps me over to one of the beds and as soon as my head hits the pillow I'm out.

I wake up with the feeling of dread. Cyborg and Robin are in the room talking Robin seems to have calmed down but it's not him I'm worried about. The clock above the door states that is just after three in the afternoon. Robin walks over to me, he appears to be calm. "Listen, Beast Boy, I'm not sure what happened last night, I lost my temper, I will forgive you if Raven does. I'll warn you now, she still hasn't spoken to anyone or left her room." I nod my head, "'Kay guess I better go apologize." I say getting up. "Don't you want to eat first, I got you a non-meat sandwich and some fruit juice." Cyborg states proudly. I take the peanut butter sandwich from him deciding that even though my stomach is churning I may be outside Raven's door for awhile.

I stand outside her door, I can tell I've messed up largely, I can hear some loud, depressing, music playing from outside, my emotions are going haywire, neither Cyborg or Robin have left me so I haven't had a chance to cut them away yet. Gulping down the lump I knock nervously, yet loudly upon her door. No answer, I knock louder. Still nothing even the volume of the music does not change, there is no response to show she is even in there. "Raven!" I yell hoping she can hear me. "Raven, it's me, Beast Boy! Look I'm really, really sorry about last night, I didn't mean any of it! I'm not expecting you to forgive me and I know you hate me, just know that...that you are none of those things I said!" I pause but there is no answer no change in music, no sound of anything being broken. "P-please Raven, yell at me, j-just do something, please." I beg tears in my eyes yet again, I turn to the others, Cyborg shrugs his shoulders, Robin just shakes his head. "I'll wait, I'll wait until you do something!" Still nothing, so I lean against her door and slide down it, perfectly willing to wait all day.

I wait for three hours, even when the alarm signals trouble, I just sit there, even though I have to go to the bathroom, I wait. Each minute brings more dread, more need to use my blades, but not now, I will wait. At seven o'clock Starfire comes by, I'm not sure if she is mad at me. "Beast Boy, I am grateful that you are determined to apologize to friend Raven, but please come eat something."

"I will not leave until she responds." I reply. Star gives me a small smile full of pity, "She has not left her room at all, perhaps you could bring her something to eat and drink, yes?" She asks in her naïve way, perhaps she is onto something. All day I haven't seen or heard anything other than that same CD replaying. "Okay Star, I'll bring her some food, then eat and come back to see if she has touched it. Starfire helps me up and after a quick trip to the washroom I'm in the kitchen making her favourite type of herbal tea, chopping up fruit, and making some pasta in white cream sauce.

Setting it on a tray I take it all to her room, I knock on her door again, the same music is still playing. "Raven I brought you some food and tea! Please eat something, you don't have to face me, I'll be in the kitchen, there's no tofu!" My ears droop, no answer, figures. I head back to the kitchen and eat some pizza half-heartedly, even if it is vegetarian. After an hour I head back to her room, the tray is still there, the food un-touched, now cold. Sighing I slouch against her door ready to wait all night, and wait I do.

I wait for two days, I'm worried now, how long can she go without food and water, how long can she listen to the same, depressing, music? I bring her food and tea three times a day, she doesn't come out even when the others try to talk to her, her doors are somehow locked by magic, even Starfire cannot penetrate them with her alien strength.

On the third night Robin comes around. "Beast Boy, I appreciate what you are trying to do but it's not working. I suggest you go to your room get a good nights sleep and then leave the tower for awhile, maybe we can get her out of her room when you're gone." I look into my leader's masked eyes and know he is right, but I need more than sleep. With a meek nod I head to my room for the first time in three nights.

I don't roll up my sleeves as I draw my blades from their hiding place in the medicine cabinet. Then I cut. Right through my uniform, right through the skin, letting blood drop everywhere. I don't care, let them see, let them know my pain, let them know I am sorry. _I'm Sorry. _I carve onto my thigh. Cut, cut, cut. Red blood runs, it flows like water, red water, but it is thicker, and it smells, the more I cut the more I smell, the more pain. It is not enough pain, it is not a high enough price for my mistakes.

_This is for failing my parents. This for my tribe, this for turning into that Beast, this for hitting Star with that motor oil. And this is for failing the Doom Patrol. For being a monster. For my claws, for my fangs, for my ears, for my skin. For being the weak link._

Then my thoughts turn to her, oh all the mistakes. I turn on my music player and blast the song loud, Three Days Grace, Animal I Have Become. _For fighting with you, _cut. _For not getting you to laugh, _cut. _For messing up, _cut. _For making you mad..._cut. _For, not protecting you..._cut. "F-for failing you."... Cut. "F-for n-not telling y-you I love you." I whisper as I make my last cut, yes my last for I can no longer feel my fingers to wield my tool, and the blade drops. Now I realize how far I've gone, I've cut everywhere. My arms, legs, hands, chest, and even some along my neck. I realize just how faint I feel. How I don't feel anything as my legs give way and my body collapses onto my own blood soaked carpet.

This is the end, who knows when they'll find me. Maybe, maybe she will see the message on my thigh, my message to her, to prove how sorry I am. The smell of blood fades, as does the music and so does my sight. It appears I am staring through a pin hole to my door. They say your life flashes before your eyes, but all I see is her face. The last time I saw her face she was crying, I made her cry. Maybe I can pay in Hell. Everything is getting foggier and darker.

I want her to come running in felling my emotions leaving, to see her face, to tell her I love her. But my world goes black for the very last time.

...

_How did you die?_

_I was a cutter, I took it too far._

_Why did you cut?_

_Because I was depressed._

_What made you take it that far?_

_I yelled at the woman I loved and called her horrible things that she is not._

_So you felt guilt, you were sorry for telling this girl the truth?_

_It wasn't the truth, how did you die?_

_I, too, was a cutter, I went too far, but on purpose._

_Why?_

_The boy I loved pointed out how badly I treated him, how I made his life miserable. So I ended mine in hope that he would find peace and love._

_Do you still love him?_

_Yes, but I am not worth his love, no one should love me I am evil._

_I don't think you're evil... angel._

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_Ok that's the end, do you get it? Here's a hint, look at the conversation with Cyborg and the fight with Raven, now do you get it? Please R&R thanks!_  
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